Thursday, August 28, 2008

Translation Guide for Republicanspeak

Republicans often talk in a special code -- mainly because if Middle America ever caught on to what they are really saying, Republicans would be unelectable. So I offer this handy short translation guide to things you are likely to hear at the upcoming Republican National Convention:

Statement: We support State's Rights
Translation: In particular, the right to discriminate against black people

Statement: We are the party of personal choice and individual liberty
Translation: ...unless people make personal choices we disapprove of, so we're going to pass constitutional amendments forbidding gay marriage, abortion, or criticizing the administration

Statement: We support family values
Translation: We hate gays

Statement: I strongly support family values
Translation: I am secretly cheating on my trophy wife with Sven, a 17-year old Swedish masseur and personal trainer

Statement: Illegal immigration is damaging American values
Translation: The two dozen Mexican gardeners and cleaners that the INS hauled away from my house were doing a terrible job

Statement: We believe in the rule of law
Translation: If the President authorized it, it must be legal

Statement: The American people have given us a clear mandate to pursue our agenda
Translation: We gerrymandered our way to a congressional majority

Statement: Now is a time for bipartisanship, cooperation, and healing the divide
Translation: We blew our congressional majority

Statement: We are the party of fiscal responsibility
Translation: My pork is an earmark. Your earmark is pork

Statement: We should always honor military service, without question or hesitation
Translation: John Kerry isn't running this time around

Statement: The most important attribute in a candidate is experience
Translation: Our candidate is old

Statement: The most important attribute in a candidate is energy
Translation: Their candidate is old

Statement: This election should be about policies, not character
Translation: Our candidate has a character problem

Statement: This election should be about character, not policies
Translation: Our candidate has no policies. But he did spend several years in a POW camp. Did we mention the POW camp?

Statement: Their candidate is an elitist
Translation: Smart people prefer their candidate

Statement: Their candidate is a populist
Translation: Dumb people prefer their candidate

Statement: Democrats will RAISE YOUR TAXES!!!
Translation: We got nothin'

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