January 21: A coalition of eighteen states led by Texas announce their succession from the United States, forming a new country reviving the name The Confederate States of America, or CSA. The Internet is thrown into a frenzy over whether to call them The Confederacy of Dunces or Trumpistan.
January 22: The CSA issues a correction to say that they meant "secession" all along, but a software bug planted in Google Docs in collaboration with Hugo Chavez auto-carroted it.
Later that day a massive convoy of gun-carrying CSA supporters in pickup trucks adorned with Trump 2020 flags arrives at Fort Sumter. Upon arrival they discover that the fort, which has not been an active military installation since 1947, is only accessible by boat. They mill around in confusion for an hour, fire a few shots in the air for the look of the thing, and return home.
January 23: Mexico announces plans for a wall along its border with Texas. So does New Mexico.
January 24: The United States recognizes the CSA and announces the closure of all Federal facilities in the CSA, including research labs, airports and military bases, decimating the economies of many towns. The Federal government also announces that drivers' licenses or other ID from secessionist states will no longer be accepted for any purposes. Many citizens of the CSA are stranded in Federal states, unable to board a plane, rent a car, or buy alcohol or tobacco. The latter causes widespread panic among the CSA refugees.
January 25: Various Federal states announce that cars with plates from the CSA states are no longer legal on their roads and must be registered in a Federal state. Drivers from West Virginia get pulled over in massive numbers in Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Ohio. Unable to pay the fines, their cars are seized and crushed into scrap metal, in most cases significantly increasing their value.
January 31: The Federal government announces that as of February 1, it will no longer pay Medicare claims from the CSA. There is widespread panic among the citizens as they realize that their new government is completely incapable of providing them with diabetes supplies or Hoverounds.
February 1: The CSA states meet in constitutional convention at the Austin Convention Center. They meet in the Starbucks as the Center itself is fully booked between an arms and ammo show and a pharmaceutical sales rep convention. Donald Trump is elected Interim President For Life.
February 10: The other six members of the Colorado River Compact announce the expulsion of Utah and plans to build a canal to divert the river around that state. Desperate, the male citizens of Salt Lake City take to the streets in a massive protest. Since this is Utah, it is the most well-behaved, conservatively dressed street protest in the history of the Americas. The women of Salt Lake City fortify the protesters with huge quantities of green Jello.
February 11: Green Jello shortages across Utah drive panicky protesters back into the streets. There is polite rioting and orderly looting of grocery stores. In desperation, many turn to yellow and red Jello.
February 28: CSA citizens begin to notice that no Federal Social Security payments have been received all month. Unable to pay their rent or afford food, white citizens forage for essential supplies, often liberating them from stores without paying, while black people loot.
March 31: After a month of chaos and disorder, Texas asks to rescind its secession. The Federal government accepts it back under strict conditions regarding the fair conduct of elections.
April (various): One by the one the other CSA states also ask to rejoin the Union. They are all readmitted, except for the Dakotas, which nobody wanted in the first place.
April 30: The CSA is formally disbanded. Donald Trump remains Interim President for Life.
