Yet another great reason to drink coffee

As if drinking lots of coffee wasn't awesome enough already: "People who drink too much coffee could start seeing ghosts or hearing strange voices, UK research has suggested", according to this story on the BBC News. Free entertainment! Is there anything coffee can't do?

A profound meditation on the nature of Donald Trump

I am fascinated by the continuing celebrity of Donald Trump. Frankly, it's hard for me to take seriously a man whose hair looks like a bowl of shredded wheat crawled onto his head, curled up and died.

This is an actual picture of Donald Trump, taken from above:

The Difference Between Satire and Parody

People often ask me, "Carl, what's the difference between satire and parody?" The answer, really, is more straightforward than many people think.

Parody is like a simile. Satire is metaphor.

Realistic New Year's Resolutions

Every year I make resolutions. And every year, I break them within weeks or even days. So this year I have decided to make resolutions I actually have a realistic chance of sticking to:

• I will join a gym and work out three times a week for the first three weeks. After that I will slip to twice a week, then once. In September I will realize that I haven't been for months. I will continue to pay monthly dues until mid-2010 before finally accepting that I'm never going back.
  

• I will go on a diet and lose 10 pounds. I will come off the diet and gain 15.

• I will give up drinking. Except at weekends, of course: no point being a puritan about these things. And weekends begin on Friday. Which means a drink after sunset on Thursday night is really just getting an early start on the weekend. And one drink with dinner during the week isn't really drinking. Nor is one before dinner, one after dinner, or one instead of dinner.
  

Sarcasm Useful For Detecting Dementia

Apparently, the inability to detect sarcasm is a warning sign of encroaching dementia.

You can thank me later.

Profound thoughts on the nature of dogs

With a four year old son, I get to watch a lot of cartoons featuring anthropomorphic animals, toys or vehicles. And I've noticed one odd pattern: the least anthropomorphic is always the dog. Mickey Mouse has Pluto; Tigger and Pooh have Buster; and so on. The dog often has near-human intelligence, but can only communicate in barks. Even in Toy Story, the dog is... just a dog.

Also of interest is that all of the cartoon serials eventually get around to two dog-centric stories. The first is the one where everybody else is frustrated because they can't understand the dog's barks. And the other is the one where everybody else is forming a band and the dog follows the others around becoming increasingly sad because he can't play an instrument. That one invariably ends with the band discovering that they can't keep time, and the dog discovering that he can be part of the band because he can play the drums.

So the message we're teaching our children about music is clear: there is a creature in this world that has near-human intelligence and the bare minimum of musical ability, but will always follow your band around with fierce loyalty. And it's called a "drummer".

Non-standard tests for food freshness

Don't waste food by throwing it out just because the "Sell By" date has expired. That's just a conspiracy by the Military-Nutritional Complex to get you to buy more food.

The following tests can tell you whether the food is still good to eat.

Meat: You open the fridge door. You hear voices shouting "Turn off the light! You're ruining the party!" Time to throw out the meat.

Milk: When milk has been colonized by bacteria, use the following test. Make a cup of tea. Pour the milk into the tea. If the colonists don't throw the tea over the side, it's still good to drink.

Cheese: If it's not moldy, it's good. If it is moldy, just cut the moldy parts off. The rest is still good. If it was moldy when you bought it, it's good forever. If it's been so long that you can't remember whether it was moldy when you bought it... then you should probably throw it out.

Sour Cream: There is no known test for sour cream. Really, the stuff comes that way. If it doesn't kill you, it's good.

Broccoli rabe, arugula, fennel bulbs: If you're reading this advice and you find any of these things in the fridge, you got drunk last night and woke up in somebody else's house.