In an unprecedented move, the NCAA announced today severe sanctions against the Republican Party. A four-year long investigation uncovered a pattern of systematic recruiting violations, illegal contacts with interns, and inappropriate financial inducements. "If you think that what Reggie Bush did was bad", said an NCAA spokesperson speaking on condition of anonymity, "You should see what we learned about George W. Bush". In a press statement in response to the announcement, the Republican Party immediately identified the anonymous spokesperson, published his home address, and urged reporters to investigate his background.
The NCAA announced an extensive list of sanctions against the GOP. Most significantly, the two National Election championships that the party won under Bush will be vacated and erased from the record. The NCAA has yet to decide whether to award those championships to the losing finalists, Al Gore and John Kerry, or to leave them vacant. The GOP will also forfeit numerous Senate and House victories in which Bush played a part.
Critics of the NCAA's actions point out that, as with previous sanctions issued by the organization, those chiefly responsible, including Bush, Dick Cheney, and Karl Rove, have moved on to lucrative new positions outside the organization and will be largely untouched by the punishment.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Three More Things That Make No Sense...
...in the Star Wars universe.
1) Every planet in the galaxy has roughly the same gravity, regardless of the size or composition of the planet, so everybody can move around comfortably.
2) Every species in the galaxy can breathe the same atmosphere (with a couple of exceptions), which is also the same on every planet.
3) Apparently, there are fewer than 900,000 droids in the entire galaxy, serving billions of sentient beings. How do we know? Star Wars Episode I makes it clear that "R2-D2" is an individual designation, not a model number. And in the entire canon, every droid is named using the same pattern. There is no instance of a droid with a number larger than 9 in its designation. Other episodes confirm that "R2" is the model type. So even allowing for letters or numbers in the 2nd and 4th place, that allows for fewer than 1,000 of R2-type astromech that seems to be everywhere, including on-board every fighter before they run out of numbers.
1) Every planet in the galaxy has roughly the same gravity, regardless of the size or composition of the planet, so everybody can move around comfortably.
2) Every species in the galaxy can breathe the same atmosphere (with a couple of exceptions), which is also the same on every planet.
3) Apparently, there are fewer than 900,000 droids in the entire galaxy, serving billions of sentient beings. How do we know? Star Wars Episode I makes it clear that "R2-D2" is an individual designation, not a model number. And in the entire canon, every droid is named using the same pattern. There is no instance of a droid with a number larger than 9 in its designation. Other episodes confirm that "R2" is the model type. So even allowing for letters or numbers in the 2nd and 4th place, that allows for fewer than 1,000 of R2-type astromech that seems to be everywhere, including on-board every fighter before they run out of numbers.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Vatican Identifies Real Cause of Sexual Abuse Scandals
Recent attempts to blame Jews, Freemasons and homosexuals for the sexual abuse scandal in the Catholic Church having been roundly condemned by the outside world, the Vatican has announced that it has uncovered the true conspirators responsible. It turns out that the real perpetrators were the Gypsies, the mentally and physically disabled, and trade unionists, along with a few Jehovah's Witnesses.
Pope Benedict referred to his own traumatic wartime experiences in disavowing earlier comparisons to anti-semitism.
However, identifying those guilty of the sexual abuse may not be the end of the Vatican's troubles: there still remains the thorny question of why the church bureaucracy failed to act on the abuse for decades...
Pope Benedict referred to his own traumatic wartime experiences in disavowing earlier comparisons to anti-semitism.
However, identifying those guilty of the sexual abuse may not be the end of the Vatican's troubles: there still remains the thorny question of why the church bureaucracy failed to act on the abuse for decades...
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Meetings, meetings, meetings
A business meeting is an ideal gas. It consists of a set of randomly moving, non-interacting particles.
And it expands to perfectly fill the space available on a calendar.
And it expands to perfectly fill the space available on a calendar.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Dirty Harry vs. Rain Man
Dirty Harry: I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself.
Raymond: Six. Definitely six.
Dirty Harry: Ah, crap.
Raymond: I'm an excellent driver.
Raymond: Six. Definitely six.
Dirty Harry: Ah, crap.
Raymond: I'm an excellent driver.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Star Wars Regrets
Greatest regrets of Star Wars characters. If I had any Photoshop chops there would be pictures to go with these, but I'm afraid you'll just have to use your imagination for the pictures that go with these quotes:
"Clones? Crap, I thought you said 'Send in the clowns'. What a mess..."
"You idiot. I said I needed a light saber, not a lifesaver!"
"You know, I think that actually those might have been the droids we were looking for..."
Monday, March 15, 2010
Star Wars Again: Another thing that makes no sense
Obi Wan, to Anakin Skywalker: "Only a Sith deals in absolutes."
Really, Obi Wan? Are you absolutely certain about that?
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