Monday, February 16, 2009

Friday, February 13, 2009

Epic Fail

So NBC has a new drama coming out called Kings, which is a modern retelling of the Biblical stories of King Saul and David. There's just one thing that bothers me about this... am I the only one uncomfortable with the depiction of the greatest historical hero of Judaism as a blond-haired, blue-eyed, Fascist-uniformed, Aryan poster child for the Hitler Youth?

Although given the way NBC is burying the show, it may have occurred to them too that there might be a teeny weeny problem here...

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

25 facts about me

Everybody else is doing that "25 Facts" things, so here's 25 facts about me, including some that will surprise even my closest friends. Some of them are even true. (First half in this post, second half to follow later).
  1. I have no reflection in mirrors, nor do I show up in photographs.
  2. I am the best-selling author of several books in the "Dummies" series, most notably "Ventroliquism for Dummies".
  3. I also wrote last year's top non-fiction book, "The Idiot's Guide to Managing Risk With Collateralized Mortgage Obligations". Sorry about that.
  4. Before they turn out the lights, monsters check under the bed for me.
  5. My hobby is annoying mathematicians. I like to divide by zero, factor prime numbers, and resolve the Axiom of Choice, just for the looks on their faces.
  6. I understand the difference between parody and satire, and furthermore I can explain it in eight words.
  7. I am the least musically talented person you have ever met. The last time I took part in a jam session, they took the tambourine away from me for playing it out of key.
  8. I know that Jesus loves me, but I just like him as a friend. So it's awkward.
  9. My Indian name is "Picked Last For Sports".
  10. I am illegal in thirteen states, including all the ones that begin with A.
  11. I'm not really as short as I look, I'm just moving really fast relative to you. (If you understand this, I silently applaud you.)
  12. When I was a child, I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
  13. In the sitcom of life, I am your wacky neighbor.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Sequels That Should Never Be Made

It seems like there hasn't been a really good childrens' movie in a while. Perhaps it's the lack of good ideas. For that reason, I'm submitting the following ideas for sequels that I think can reinvigorate some neglected franchises:

Babe: Pig in a Blanket -- After his adventures on the farm and in the city, Babe meets a sad demise as he is killed by a drunk hit-and-run driver. In an uplifting ending, he is still able to bring smiles to the faces of thousands of children.

The Bipolar Express -- A middle-aged man continues to believe that Santa Claus is real, insisting that he once rode on a "magical train" to the North Pole where he met elves and even Santa himself. When he begins to complain of auditory hallucinations, maintaining he can hear sleigh bells that nobody else can hear, he is committed to a mental institution for his own safety.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' College Fund -- A nerdish scientist foolishly invests his two childrens' college savings in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme. Desperate to replace the money before his wife finds out the truth, he uses his technical skills to break into a bank. The robbery goes awry and turns into a siege that ends when he is shot and killed by a trigger-happy SWAT sniper. Fortunately, his widow is able to sue the city and the settlement is enough to ensure that the kids never need to work, so they don't bother going to college.