25 facts about me

Everybody else is doing that "25 Facts" things, so here's 25 facts about me, including some that will surprise even my closest friends. Some of them are even true. (First half in this post, second half to follow later).

1. I have no reflection in mirrors, nor do I show up in photographs.
2. I am the best-selling author of several books in the "Dummies" series, most notably "Ventroliquism for Dummies".
3. I also wrote last year's top non-fiction book, "The Idiot's Guide to Managing Risk With Collateralized Mortgage Obligations". Sorry about that.
4. Before they turn out the lights, monsters check under the bed for me.
5. My hobby is annoying mathematicians. I like to divide by zero, factor prime numbers, and resolve the Axiom of Choice, just for the looks on their faces.
6. I understand the difference between parody and satire, and furthermore I can explain it in eight words.
7. I am the least musically talented person you have ever met. The last time I took part in a jam session, they took the tambourine away from me for playing it out of key.
8. I know that Jesus loves me, but I just like him as a friend. So it's awkward.
9. My Indian name is "Picked Last For Sports".
10. I am illegal in thirteen states, including all the ones that begin with A.
11. I'm not really as short as I look, I'm just moving really fast relative to you. (If you understand this, I silently applaud you.)
12. When I was a child, I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
13. In the sitcom of life, I am your wacky neighbor.