Vatican Identifies Real Cause of Sexual Abuse Scandals

Recent attempts to blame Jews, Freemasons and homosexuals for the sexual abuse scandal in the Catholic Church having been roundly condemned by the outside world, the Vatican has announced that it has uncovered the true conspirators responsible. It turns out that the real perpetrators were the Gypsies, the mentally and physically disabled, and trade unionists, along with a few Jehovah's Witnesses.

Pope Benedict referred to his own traumatic wartime experiences in disavowing earlier comparisons to anti-semitism.

However, identifying those guilty of the sexual abuse may not be the end of the Vatican's troubles: there still remains the thorny question of why the church bureaucracy failed to act on the abuse for decades...

Meetings, meetings, meetings

A business meeting is an ideal gas. It consists of a set of randomly moving, non-interacting particles.

And it expands to perfectly fill the space available on a calendar.

Dirty Harry vs. Rain Man

Dirty Harry: I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself.

Raymond: Six. Definitely six.

Dirty Harry: Ah, crap.

Raymond: I'm an excellent driver.

Star Wars Regrets

Greatest regrets of Star Wars characters. If I had any Photoshop chops there would be pictures to go with these, but I'm afraid you'll just have to use your imagination for the pictures that go with these quotes:

"Clones? Crap, I thought you said 'Send in the clowns'. What a mess..."

"You idiot. I said I needed a light saber, not a lifesaver!"

"You know, I think that actually those might have been the droids we were looking for..."

Star Wars Again: Another thing that makes no sense

Obi Wan, to Anakin Skywalker: "Only a Sith deals in absolutes."

Really, Obi Wan? Are you absolutely certain about that?

Another Thought About Star Wars

I just watched Phantom Menace for the first time (you know something's wrong when your five-year old son points out the plot holes...) and the abiding thought I am left with is this:

In a galaxy advanced enough to have mastered interstellar travel, every spaceship apparently requires narrow walkways that cross over deep pits. And across all the thousands of populated planets and civilizations and sentient species... nobody has invented the "handrail".

More Oxymorons

Fruit tea and herbal tea: It's only tea if it's made from the leaves of the, uh, tea plant. Those other things are "infusions". Also, they're disgusting.

Reality TV: Reality is what doesn't happen on TV. Nothing that happens when people know a camera is on them is "reality".

Reality TV Star: A double-oxymoron. Nobody whose claim to fame is that they appeared on a reality TV show is a "star". Unless you subscribe to the formula that a star is anybody who has appeared on TV by name; a superstar is anybody who has shaken hands with Ryan Seacrest; and a megastar is anybody who has refused to shake hands with Ryan Seacrest.

Drug Experience: You can take drugs, or you can have experiences, but not both at the same time. Something that happens entirely within the chemical balance of your brain is not an experience.