Wednesday, March 04, 2009

25 Facts About Me: The Sequel

I guess it's about time I finished up this list. Here is the complete 25 facts in their entirety:

  1. I have no reflection in mirrors, nor do I show up in photographs.
  2. I am the best-selling author of several books in the "Dummies" series, most notably "Ventriloquism for Dummies".
  3. I also wrote 2008's top non-fiction book, "The Idiot's Guide to Managing Risk With Collateralized Mortgage Obligations". Sorry about that.
  4. Before they turn out the lights, monsters check under the bed for me.
  5. My hobby is annoying mathematicians. I like to divide by zero, factor prime numbers, and resolve the Axiom of Choice, just for the looks on their faces.
  6. I understand the difference between parody and satire, and furthermore I can explain it in eight words.
  7. I am the least musically talented person you have ever met. The last time I took part in a jam session, they took the tambourine away from me for playing it out of key.
  8. I know that Jesus loves me, but I just like him as a friend. So it's awkward.
  9. My Indian name is "Picked Last For Sports".
  10. I am illegal in thirteen states, including all the ones that begin with A.
  11. I'm not really as short as I look, I'm just moving really fast relative to you. (If you understand this, I silently applaud you.)
  12. When I was a child, I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
  13. I am the other, other white meat.
  14. My one remaining ambition in life is to go gray before I go bald.
  15. Technically, I am the world's smallest giant. It's a long story.
  16. In the sitcom of life, I am your wacky neighbor.
  17. It's true what they say about men with small feet. We do have a hard time buying shoes.
  18. I have a four inch scar on my right shoulder blade, acquired during my most recent autopsy.
  19. No. 10 isn't completely true. Strictly speaking, I'm only illegal in Alabama on Sundays.
  20. I need a cup of coffee. This is true regardless of when you are reading this list.
  21. If you can guess my real name, I will spin straw into gold for you.
  22. I have been compared to George Clooney, Tiger Woods and Steven Hawking. But not favorably.
  23. I rarely introduce my friends to each other because I'm afraid they'll like each other more than they like me. This is really true.
  24. People who act as though they dislike me are really just intimidated by my charm, intelligence and wit, I like to think.
  25. I use humor as a psychological defense mechanism to hide my fear of intimacy and keep other people at a safe emotional distance. You bastard.


Neil said...

I thought 23 was true because I am your only friend.

Carl Zetie said...

>I thought 23 was true because I am your only friend.

Possibly. Do imaginary friends count?