Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Porcine Conspiracy

I had a frightening revelation last night: Pigs are trying to kill us all and take over the world. Yes, I know it sounds like a crazy conspiracy theory, but look at the evidence.

Exhibit one: bacon. Sweet, tangy, irresistible bacon... larded with artery-clogging cholesterol. Bacon is the crack cocaine of smoked meat products: totally addictive, totally lethal. But wait, you say: doesn't the pig have to die for us to get bacon? Sure, but the pig looks on it as a worthwhile sacrifice. He wears his haunches with the same fatalism that a suicide bomber wears his explosive vest. He's happy to die as long as he takes a few of us with him. And, fools that we are, we keep breeding more of these killers.

Exhibit two: 'flu. Pigs are conducting surreptitious biological warfare against the human race, and their weapon of choice is the 'flu virus. Ever wondered why the 'flu virus is different every year? Not many people know this, but 'flu starts out as a relatively harmless virus in chickens and ducks. The pigs then infect themselves with it and mutate it into a form that can infect humans. Don't believe me? Then maybe you'll believe the National Institutes of Health. Their goal is to create a lethal virus that will wipe out mankind. They almost succeeded once before, in 1918, when they unleashed their deadly plague on a population weakened by years of war, killing 20 million people. It's only a matter of time before they try again.

Exhibit three: Suid. When I discovered this little clue just a few days ago, the pieces of the evil porcine plot finally fell into place. Readers familiar with Linux will immediately recognize "suid" as the gateway to granting a program "root" privileges. If that's all geek to you just know this: "suid" is what a hacker needs to take control of a Linux server. So what? Well, did you know that "suid" is also the technical term for the pig family? Exactly! Linux is a plot by the pigs to take over our IT infrastructure, and they are so confident we won't notice they are throwing it in our faces!

You may point and laugh derisively now, but I do believe I have exposed an evil global conspiracy. Or at the very least, the plot of the final part of the "National Treasure" trilogy.

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